Things that go bump in the night
2003-09-09 ~ 8:32 a.m.

I have this fear.....

It's not a rational one, but then again, how many fears are? This one rears it's ugly head when D. is away. It happens right around bedtime. And it's VERY embarassing to admit.

It's the fear of monsters.

Ok, now that you've finished laughing, I'll explain myself. I've always had an overactive imagination, and at night, when you're tired and sleepy and it's dark, a kind of vulnerability develops. It only happens when I'm alone, and I had it licked for a while when I lived on my own. But now that D. has been in my life and has been a presence in my bed, I no longer think about it. I feel safe, I guess. Until he goes away. Like this week.

I know it's irrational. The logical part of my brain is saying to the emotional side "look, just calm the fuck down and go to sleep before I come over there and bitch slap you". I also take comfort in the fact that my cats would be wigging out if anyone/thing was in the house (which I lock down like a fortress when D. is away....remind me to tell you about the Ozzy incident sometime). But some part of me makes me look over my shoulder and sees weird things in the shadows of my bedroom at night. It doesn't help that I'm myopic and that everything is also fuzzy without my glasses on.

This is why I don't watch scary movies. The last one was The Ring. Not really a horror movie, but it was the perfect movie to prey upon that "something going bump in the night" nerve. Even with D. in my bed, I still didn't sleep much in the next 2 weeks.

So is this normal? Is it just some primal remnant of days when our ancestors needed that paranoid instinct to survive? Or is it just the deranged, overactive imagination of someone who has read too many Stephen King novels? Who knows. All I know is that I have black circles under my eyes that extend down to my knees, and I am seriously dragging my ass today.

God, D. Hurry back. I hate it when you're gone!

Back ~ Forward