A Test Passed
2003-10-10 ~ 8:51 a.m.

I'm very proud of myself today. Yesterday, I passed a huge test.

D. was off with his buddies at the home opener of the Ottawa Senators (vs. the Montreal Canadiens, the bastard. I'm a BIG Canadiens fan). So I decided to kick back, order a pizza and catch the latest CSI ep.

I ordered a medium 'za and then proceeded to demolish it. This is one of my major problems - I don't know when to stop eating. I don't have that trigger in me that says "You're full. Enough".

The result was very predictable. I ended up feeling sick to my stomach afterwards and went into the bathroom. Normally, when I go to purge, I don't look in the mirror - I'm too ashamed to look at myself. This time though, I took a long look at myself and started to talk to my reflection. No, I'm not crazy, but I needed to say some things to myself that were long overdue.

I basically told the mirror-me that I didn't need to do this. Yeah, I felt sick, but this was not the way to deal with it. I should suffer through the sickness, and learn a lesson from it. Maybe next time I'll remember this feeling and will be able to exercise some control. Plus, if I did do it, I would have to tell D., and I didn't think I could deal with the shame. It's hard to tell him when I do it. He doesn't judge, he's always 100% supportive, but I know that I let him down every time I do it.

So I didn't. I gazed at myself for a long moment, nodded, then I turned and left the bathroom.

A small victory in an ongoing battle, but you take what you can get. On the bright side, my boss gave me a gift basket with a couple bottles of wine and a bottle of Crown Royale as a thank you for the Eagles tickets. Yum!

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