Is it me?
2004-04-19 ~ 8:37 a.m.

My husband is a popular man. He has a ton of friends that he grew up with - from at least Kindergarten age. He also has a large group of aquaintances. He is a fun-loving, funny, smart, charismatic man. I'm sure that 99% of the people that meet him like him instantly.

So what the hell is he doing with me?

I'm a little on the opposite end of the spectrum. I grew up in a military family, so we moved a lot. It's hard to keep up with friends when you're younger, and when you get older, you tend to drift away from the friends you left behind. As a result, I don't have a group of friends that I've known since I was 5. I tend to be a bit of a loner, actually. I guess I've learned to deal with a smaller circle of friends.

Which is getting smaller, now that J. and I don't talk. The only real friends I have are K. - my best friend - and Diane, my sister in law. And even then I don't see them much. I have friends in the astronomy group, but I haven't gotten to know any of them close enough that I would call them good friends. They're more like aquaintances.

The reason I'm writing this pathetic entry is because of my drive in to work today. D. had to drive me in because of car trouble. On the way, his cell phone rang and it was a friend wanting to play golf with him. When I heard this, I felt the familiar pang of irritation I always get when this happens. This always confused me. Why should I be angry that friends of his want to go out?

The answer came to me rather abruptly when I found myself staring out the car window wistfully wishing I had friends that would call me and invite me out. I realized then that I don't have any true friends, other than K. I know people, but no one that would call me out of the blue to invite me to a movie or dinner. I find that D.'s friends wives tend to keep to themselves - they're nice enough to me when we're all together, but they don't invite me out when the women get together.

Of course, I don't reach out to them either. Maybe it's insecurity talking, but I get the feeling they don't like me much. Then again, they've all been a tight knit group for a while, and I'm the newbie. It's hard to gain entry into something like that. So maybe I'm just being overly sensitive on that point.

I guess my question is this. What's wrong with me? I mean, I tend to be shy, sometimes moody, and have a hard time making small talk, but I try hard to overcome that in social settings. So I can meet people, but why can't I make friends? People who call and want to be with me just like they do with D.? Looking at me objectively, I think that I'm an ok person. I'm nice to people, I like to laugh and have fun, I listen when people talk. Maybe I'm just not interesting enough. Maybe the shyness and insecurity show through and that's a turn off to most people.

I used to not care. But for some reason, right now it's bugging me. I find myself wanting the big circle of friends that I never had.

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