My battle
2004-06-30 ~ 8:49 a.m.

I was just over at Runninginsf's diary, and was extrememly saddened by what I read there. She has been running and eating well for some time now in order to get into shape, but has hit a plateau and can't seem to get past it. I sympathize, of course, but what really got to me was the talk of an eating disorder.

I really hope she doesn't have one, because I can speak from experience - it sucks. I have been bulimic going on 5 years now - maybe not in the traditional sense, I don't ingest 5000-10000 calories in one sitting and then purge, but usually when I've eaten too much or I'm fighting with my self esteem. It's been a hard struggle with it, and even though I (mostly) have a handle on it, it is an every day battle. Every day the temptation is there to purge. It's a control thing with me. I began to do it because my life was way off kilter. I couldn't control my love life, or my job, or my parents constant battles, but I could control my body. I could eat badly, but hey, I could just get rid of it afterward. It was (and this is sick) very calming. At first.

After a while, though, it wasn't calming. It started happening after every meal, and it wasn't giving me the peace that I sought. I started dreading going to the bathroom afterwards, but I did it - I guess it was a compulsion. There were times I would lay on the bathroom floor afterwards and bawl my eyes out, because the one thing I wanted - control - was now no longer there. I had no control over what I was doing. And I couldn't stop.

My boyfriend at the time had no clue. But that was par for the course for him. My best friend K. knows, but I only recently told her. My parents? Don't even know how to tell them. When I started dating D., and I began to realize that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I felt that he had a right to know this about his future wife.

So I told him on one of our drives up to see my parents. I was so afraid he would be disgusted or revolted, but he totally surprised me. He was very supportive, and helped me talk it out. With him, I began to understand myself a little better. He asked me to tell him after I did it, so that we could talk about it, and try to find a way to stop it.

Once I promised him I would tell him, an interesting thing happened. Just the thought alone of having to go to him and tell him I had just purged was enough to prevent me from doing it. It was just too shaming. It's not like I felt he would yell at me or act disappointed - far from it - but it was almost like his support and his love and encouragement was enough to help me get past this. He loves me unconditionally, so my self esteem has seen unprecedented heights since we started dating. I began, slowly, to make peace with my body and my body image.

This isn't a "happy ending" type story. It is still an ongoing battle for me. I still purge occaisionally. And there are times when I'll do it and not tell him - and the crappy feeling I get from that can be a strong deterent. Lately since I started running again, I've done it a few times. I'm afraid that this will escalate. I haven't told D. yet, but I know I should. This isn't something I have to do on my own.

Runninginsf, you are not alone in this. I'll be thinking about you and sending good vibes your way. You can get over this "body image" thing, I know you can. Look how far you've come up till now!

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